"The Gay Guy Turns Homophobic"
Written by: Adrianne A. Aguilar
Hello Kissers! It has been a while since I last posted updates here. As of the moment here is the continuation of the Homophobic series story. Enjoy!
T’was a Christmas and a Funeral
December 21, 2009 to January 1, 2010
I was in high spirits when I first went into Emina’s place in Bulacan, after a very long time secluding myself to the real world… The weather was good, the warm people of her estate welcomed me again with open arms, but in the end my optimistic thinking would be replaced by a bad news which came from Emina’s so-called extended family, her trusted confidant Aling Saling and his nephew Paolo.
Aling Saling was hesitant on giving me the news about Miss Emina, so Paolo had obliged himself to tell me the news about our friend.
“I decided to stop my schooling in college, pati rin ang pagbantay sa shop sa Maynila iniwan ko muna panandalian, gusto ko matulungan si tiya dito pati na rin si Manang Emina. Alam kong maaring magtampo siya sa akin, dahil siya ang tumutustos sa aking pag-aaral, pero mas kailangan niya kami ni Tiya Saling ngayon…” Paolo vaguely explained to me.
“Dane, bale bumalik ang sakit ni Manang Emina…” paliwanag ni Paolo, by that time, question marks were flashing on my head.
“She’s sick? Wala siyang nasabi na may sakit siya or something?” pagtataka kong sinabi sa kanya.
Eventually Paolo explained to me the details of her ailment na kahit kailan ay hindi nasabi ni Emina sa amin ni Raine. Our friend Emina has TB or tuberculosis. Nawala na daw ang sakit niya na ito bago pa niya kami makilala ni Raine. Nagtaka nga sila kung bakit biglang bumalik. Monitored naman daw ang gamot ni Ms. Emina, kaya ipinagtaka nila na nanghina na naman ito.
I really got sad when I heard this news, but I thought I rather should be strong for her so that I could support her sa mga pag dadaanan niya pang pag-subok.
It was really dark in Emina’s room, but eventually when she heard my voice from a distance, she immediately opened her night light, and I ran into her, and I gave her a hug… I could hear Paolo and Aling Saling that they were sobbing with joy because they could see it on Emina’s face that she was indeed happy.
~*~
Surprises, surprises… Sa mga sumunod na araw ay pinasaya ko lang ang aking kaibigang si Emina, naipasyal ko pa sya sa tulong ni Paolo gamit ang kanyang wheel chair, sa pag-iikot ay nakita niya ang kanyang mg orchids na masayang bumati sa kanya dahil namumukadkad ang mga ito, Emina was very thankful with Aling Saling dahil napanatili niya ang ganda ng kanyang mga alaga.
Sa tuluyang naming pag-iikot ay nakita niya ang isang kakaibang sorpresa, mga regalo sa isang mahabang mesa, at nandun din ang mga mag-sasakang malugod na nag lilingkod para sa kanya. Nag handa kasi ako ng mga pwedeng iregalo sa mga tauhan nya sa sa bukid, mga bagong damit para sa matatanda, at mga laruan sa mga bata, isama na rin dyan ang basket ng pang-handa sa Kapaskuhan. Tuwang tuwa ang lahat sa maagang pamasko na iyon ni Emina, pero wala ng mas liligaya pa kundi ang aking kaibigan matagal-tagal na ring nahihirapan sa kanyang karamdaman.
Kitang kita ko at saksi sa kanyang kaligayahan.
Malaki ang pasasalamat ng mga tauhan sa aking kaibigan na si Emina, ganun din naman sina Paolo at Aling Saling, pero ibinalik rin ni Emina ang pasasalamat sa kanila…
“Ako ang dapat mag-pasalamat sa inyong lahat… Sa inyo ako humuhugot ng lakas…” pilit niyang sinambit kahit hirap na siya sa pag-sasalita.
Lahat ay maluha-luha.
Later that night, when I was about to retire for bed.
“Dane, pinatatawag ka ni Manang Emina…” sabi sa akin ni Aling Saling.
Wala na akong pinalagpas na oras. I just instantly went into her room. Usually at this time of the night naka lights off na si Emina, but I just wondered bakit nakabukas pa ang kanyang mga antique lamps.
Dahan-dahan akong lumapit. Sa mga oras ding yun, nakaupo siya at nakasandal sa headboard ng kanyang kama. Samantalang nakabalot na ng kanyang mga comforter ang kanyang mga binti.
“Come here Dane… Umupo ka sa tabi ko…” anyaya nya sa akin.
Sumunod naman ako, umupo ako sa right side na kanyang kama. For a while it was dead silent.
Then she started talking, “Tumatanda na yata ako, tignan mo medyo kumukulubot na yata ako…” sabay pakita niya ng kanyang mga kamay.
“Hindi naman, you are still as radiant as ever, much like the same when I first saw you…” pangungumbinsi ko sa kanya.
“Dane, ikaw talaga… You do amuze and please me at the same time… Pero nararamdaman ko, na tumatanda na ako…” pangungubinsi ni Emina sa akin.
Napakunot nuo na lang ako sa sinabi nito.
“Ayan kumulubot tuloy ang mukha mo, tumatanda ka na rin Dane…” biro ng aking kaibigan. Napahagikgik kami sa katatawa. Then after a minute or so there it was again, that eerie deafening silence.
“I missed him Emina… I still do miss him…” napalapit ako lalo sa kanya and I just leaned on her weakened shoulders.
She tried to comfort me, tinapik nya ako… Maya maya pa naramdaman ko na may tumutulo sa aking mga kamay.
“Emina, I am sorry if I had made you cry.” I am so guilty of making my friend weep for my very own lost.
“Dane, napamahal na kayo sa akin ni Raine. I guess I do also have the right to grieve for his lost. To tell you honestly, sobra kong dinamdam ang pagkawala nya, to the point napabayaan ko ang sarili ko…” my friend sincerely confided her secret.
Hindi ko alam on how to react on Ms. Emina’s statement, but somehow nakita ko ang sarili ko sa kanya. On how fragile she is right now, much like the same feeling that I had before.
“But I thought everything was okay with…” hindi pa ako tapos sa aking statement, when she said, “I did tried to be strong, I thought kaya ko, we usually think that tough people would handle tragedies well, but I guess I under estimated myself. I thought I was tough enough to handle the truth…” sinasabi sa akin ito ng kabigan ko habang hinihimas niya ang aking ulo.
Bigla na namang tumahimik, no words were said again. It was a night, that Emina and I connected… Connected with one person that we loved, and that is our Raine…
And then Christmas Eve of 2009 came, masayang masaya ang lahat lalong lalo na dahil sa mga palaro na hinanda ko para sa mga bisita namin that night. Ang mga bata ay nag kakantahan, mga matatanda ay nag sasayawan… Maraming pagkain ang naihanda, tuwang tuwa naman si Emina na nakaupo sa kayang wheelchair, as if she’s perfectly fine. And for a change her voice wasn’t that coarse.
Binulong ni Emina sa akin, “I am very glad that all of this happen, most especially na dumating kayo ni Raine sa buhay ko.” And she gave me again that radiant smile of hers, and then I noticed that she eventually looked up into the skies.
“Oh what a starry night…” nasabi kong bigla…
And for quite some time there was this silence, a very peaceful silence. I suddenly remembered that same night last year after we had a short visit to the office chapel to pray, while on our way home,
24th of December 2008
“Hey babe look, ang daming stars sa langit…” I told my love Raine, I could see the astonishment on his face.
“Yup, ang dami nga… Hey a shooting star!” he exclaimed in amazement.
“You should make a wish…” I suggested to him. And I saw him close his eyes, and and held his two hands against his chest, like a little child he naively wished silently.
After a minute or so, “I’m done…” Raine told me while smiling.
“Anu naman yung wish mo? Can you share it with me?” and I threw at him my most awesome smile so that he would not resist on telling me.
“That won’t work Dane… It’s a wish, of course if you knew it, there might be a chance na hindi matuloy o magkatotoo…” and Raine just smiled and kissed me, a consolation for not telling me his wish.
Somehow as I contemplate it right now, there might be a chance na alam ko na kung ano ang naging wish nya that night. There might be a chance na tama ako, or maybe nagkamali with my hunch, pero ang mahalaga is alam ni Raine ang gusto niya, and I know he’ll get it…
After quite a while, nagkaroon ng mga iba’t ibang entertainment numbers, then out of nowhere, ang mga kabataan naman sa bukirin ang nag-push sa akin, to have my own special number, one of the naughty kids, Jose told the rest of the crowd that I was actually good in singing, that is according to him.
“Me? Hahaha… Jose, binibiro mo ako right?” I sarcastically told him.
“Oo nga Kuya Dane, we’ve heard you singing, kinakantahan mo si Kuya Raine nun…” the other girl Marie said.
“Yung may sunshine na kanta ba yun”. Beth agreed to her BFF Marie. Narinig siguro nila ako secretly singing that special song to him while we are having our siesta time sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga sa likod bahay ni Ms. Emina.
Natawa at napailing lang ako sa sinabi nila, ang mga batang ito talaga, wala akong kawala. So Erning took the guitar from his father and handed it to me.
“Oh, how did you know that I could play the guitar? I’ve never used one when I was here?” I told the eldest of the kids.
“Eh di si Kuya Raine po ang nag-sabi…” at napangiti lang si Erning.
I was on a very tight spot, by that time everyone was now either cheering up my name or they were clapping, and so I just went into the make up stage that they have put up, Ms. Emina and Aling Saling now beside me.
“I’ll just go acoustic, amateur lang po ha… I hope na mag-enjoy po kayong lahat… I dedicate this song to all of you guys! Kay Emina, and to my shining star, my sunshine… Raine…”
I started the song with some strumming…
And from my side I could hear Emina talking to Saling, “I didn’t know that he could really play the guitar really well…”
And so I started singing…
“You are my Sunshine, My only sunshine. You make me happy, When skies are grey… You’ll never know, dear, How much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”
While singing that song, it brought me to a lot of memories when Raine and I were still together. I always sing that to him, when he is about to wake up, as I caress his skin and play with his hair. I do still remember the time when we went to Boracay, it was the time of my mum’s death anniversary. I borrowed this guitar from a local, and I started singing this same song for mum, my ate, to my very delightful nephew Dominic and of course for my Raine… But thinking about it just right now, Raine never mentioned anything about my singing stuff at neither one of his journal entries. Kung sabagay, he doesn’t really speak of anything when I sing to him, it is like he just listens and meditates at the same time. I hope wherever you are right now, you could hear this song my baby, so that you’ll be at peace…
~*~
That was one happy night for all of us, and I could see the fulfillment in Emina’s face… It was almost 11pm when we decided to wrap it up.
After taking a hot bath I immediately wore my boxers and went straight to my bed, after some minutes napaisip-isip ako, come to think of it, Noche Buena last year was one memorable moment in my life. Imagine, setting up our PC para makasabay namin sina Mandy and Allen and my cute nephew Dominic, when in fact it wasn’t yet the night for Christmas dinner sa US… Kaya tuwang tuwa si Dominic ng nabuksan na niya ang kanyang Christmas gift from me and his Uncle Raine, at hindi na siya maghihintay pa para dumating ang Christmas… Ang batang iyon nga naman.
Speaking of gifts, I also remembered that couple’s shirt na binigay ko sa kanya. That shirt that he also wore on our anniversary last January. I can’t really think of anything witty enough, para ipartner with the Superman shirt that I had, I’ve read in his journal na I could choose either Batman or si Superboy, pero I went for Lois Lane. And why is it? Lahat ng sinasabi ko at ginagawa ko when I am drunk, I do meant it all, I don’t believe na pag lasing ka, hindi mo na alam ang sinasabi or ginagawa mo. And for me, Raine is my Lois Lane, Superman saved the world, Lois Lane saved Superman, for giving him his humanity. And so for my Lois Lane, my Raine, Merry Christmas!
~*~
I could actually hear the bells ringing, then mamaya maya mga manok naman na tumitilaok, nanaginip pala ako, dahil iba ang gumising sa akin, Paolo was knocking over my door, he was actually calling my name as if he was about to tell me something important. I noticed that I was drooling that night, sa pagod siguro, at ayun na nga bumangon ako at pinag buksan ko sya ng pinto.
“Oh Paolo, Merry Christmas…” I told him while yawning.
“Dane come on, hurry…” as Paolo told me in a whispering manner, and he continued, “Tiya Saling is in the marketplace, ako naman medyo na late na rin sa pag gising thinking na tulog pa rin si Manang Emina…” at nakita ko na nga ang gustong iparating sa akin ni Paolo… Emina was up early, and she had went into her studio alone, and started to paint.
And so I decided to get her attention as I knock at her open door, “Can we come in?” I told my friend.
She answered in a delightful and clear voice… “Oh Dane, you two can do whatever you want to, you don’t have to ask me anything…” she was cheerful alright, and it seems she’s now recovering well.
Emina was now making a draft of what seems to be a bunch of stemed flowers, and I noticed a pot of white orchids in front of her.
“Manang Emina, may you excuse me, pero paano po napunta yung paso ng Orchid dito?” natanong lang bigla ni Paolo.
“Paolo you silly… I woke up early this morning, kakaalis lang yata ni Saling nun, ewan ko excited akong bumangon. Nagluto muna ako ng breakfast, tapos naiinip ulit ako, kaya ayun inakyat ko tong paso, I feel like painting my precious babies eh…” and she was all smiles when she was explaining it.
“Pero Manang Emina, sana ginising nyo ako, para natulungan ko po kayo sa pag bubuhat.” Worriedly Paolo told her.
As I agreed to Paolo, “Oo nga naman, baka mabinat ka nyan…”
“Kayo talaga… Promise, hindi ko alam kung bakit pero I really feel revitalized right now. Siguro masaya lang talaga ako. Hindi pala laughter ang best medicine, Happiness pala.” Sabay tawa nito. “And besides Paolo, wag ka na mag-alala, alam ko naman na pagod kayo from the festivities last night. Para gisingin ko pa kayo para sa isang paso.”
Medyo panatag na si Paolo, at least mukhang okay naman si Emina.
“Oh so guys, may breakfast na dun ha? Kumain na ako, and don’t worry nakainom na rin ako ng gamot… Para tuloy nakatira ako, lakas ng tama ko… Joke lang…” at nakuha pa talagang magbiro nito.
Napakamot lang sa ulo si Paolo at tinungo na nga namin ang kusina. Laking gulat namin ng nakita naming ang nakahanda sa may mesa, may mg pritong itlog, hotdog, tuyo, at hiniwang kamatis, at sinangag… May inihanda na rin siyang kape sa coffee maker… Sabi ko tuloy sa sarili ko, niluto nya ba to lahat? Mukhang ang lakas nga ng tama ni Emina ngayon ha? Sabay tawa kong mag-isa. Napakamot naman si Paolo sa ulo sa pag-tataka kung bakit ako tumatawa.
~*~
“Maligayang Pasko!” ang bati namin sa isa’t isa. Pagkatapos namin magsimba sa maliit na kapilya ng komunidad ay nag balik na rin ang bawat pamilya sa kanilang mga bahay bahay. Gabi na rin kasi kami nakapunta sa simbahan dahil naging abala nga nung Noche Buena.
And that night tumawag sina Ate Mandy at ang kanyang pamilya upang batiin ako ng Merry Christmas. Binati rin nila si Ms. Emina at tuwang tuwa naman ang aking kaibigan. Pag katapos namin pagsalusaluhan ang isang masarap na hapunan at mag palitan ng mga regalo. Ay tinungo na namin ang aming mga silid.
At eto nga ngaun ay sinusulat ko ngayon sa aking journal ang mga masasayang karananasan sa mga nakaraang araw.
Sa totoo lang, I am not the type of person who really celebrates Christmas. Don’t get me wrong with that, hindi naman ako si Grinch ano? I am not a hater of Christmas, in fact when I was still a child, I am always looking forward of this day. Sa States kasi mas sinecelebrate nila ang Thanksgiving, but since I am half Filipino, nakasanayan na ng pamilya namin na i-celebrate ang Kapaskuhan.
But ever since that day happened, I don’t really feel like celebrating it anymore. T’was the night when I caught my dad kissing his mistress, who happens to be my mum’s best friend. Mum was already bedridden at that time. I still don’t get it, at first it was just an awkward scene for me, it didn’t really occur to me that he was cheating or what. But as years pass by, when I’ve learned that people do that for some passionate feeling, I am not that stupid to figure out things for my self. I just felt that my mum was back stabbed, even I was back stabbed, by my own dad, who is just a self-centered person who doesn’t really care of other people’s feelings, not even the feelings of his own family.
Kahit nung dumating ako sa Pilipinas and I’ve spent years with Jenny, that is the very thing na hindi ko nasabi sa kanya, not a single year na I had celebrated Christmas with her. It’s either I’ll just make a reason kung bakit hindi ako pwede. Of course I’ll buy her a gift, pero it would just be a gift, not a Christmas gift. Feeling ko kasi it just brings back old memories… It didn’t bother her that much, ganun naman ka open minded si Jenny. Pag Christmas Eve at Christmas day, nandun lang ako sa pad ko, natutulog the whole two days.
But it was a different story when it comes to Raine… It was ironic really… Sabi nga ni Raine sa kanyang journal, the feeling was mutual. It was also the same feeling that I felt. It maybe the first day that we had been formally introduced as a colleague, but somehow I felt that we connected. It was like some kind of fresh air had hampered that oppressed anger inside me. That somehow I told myself that I should give myself a chance, a chance to a happy life. I can’t say that I’ve already fallen for him that day, but all I can say is that I am happy and fulfilled. Christmas of 2008 wouldn’t be the same without him. Lalo na when we had the chance to celebrate it the whole day, just him and me. His description in his journal entry was so brief but I do get it on why he usually does that, for he always reserves the most happiest of moments in his life stored in his heart and mind… A piece of some sweet memory that he could cherish everyday.
Having an entire feast and indulging our selves with good food is one heck of a thing but comparing it with the way we had made love that day, priceless…
We were inseperable really, kung nasan ako nandun rin siya, kung nasan siya nandun rin ako… We made love in every inch of every room in our pad. We tried it at our tub, our kitchen sink, at the glass window, we even tried banging each other at our entrance door. I know Raine loved it as much as I did… I know that we literally connected, even our souls did. We connected in a way that any person could not almost imagine…
~*~
The day after Christmas, I had several things to do at the estate, and after that joyous stroll, I think I came back home at about five in the afternoon, I just went at Emina’s studio to check on the painting that she’s working on. To my surprise it was almost finished… She is just adding up some finishing touches.
“That was fast…” I told my good friend.
She just smiled back at me. And then Aling Saling told us that dinner was already ready.
Emina was very happy that night. I just hope that this is a good sign that she is now going into full recovery. She even had the chance to share the story on the first time she and Raine met. She even reiterated that she admired my Raine that much that she couldn’t decline his favor to her.
Raine… Emina and I are so thankful that you came into our lives…
I love you Raine, I love you…
~*~
It was about half past six in the morning, there were shouts outside my door. It was Aling Saling, she was on a panic, she was calling on Paolo’s name, she was in shock, I didn’t had the chance to even ask her on what’s happening, basta ang alam ko is kinabahan ako. Somehow kasi may idea na ako kung ano ang nangyayari. Pero sana ay nagkakamali ako. Dali-dali akong tumungo sa kwarto ng kaibigan kong si Emina, at dun nakita ko ang duguan niyang bedsheet. Blood was everywhere, and she was unconscious.
So the inevitable happened. We rushed her to the nearest hospital, the nearest which was I think was so remote that it took us like an hour drive from her house. Her private doctor also rushed into the hospital that very instant, and there we waited, the doctor said that they would still run some test kung ano nga ba ang nangyari sa kanya. I was deeply worried about Emina, she is like an Ate to me, or somehow like a mum to me and Raine.
Hours have passed by, hindi pa rin nila pinakikita si Emina sa amin, it was so frustrating really, wala man lang kami kabalibalita kung ano na nga ba ang developments tungkol sa kanya.
Lumabas ang doctor, it was about two in the afternoon. Wala pa rin siyang clear response. Then nag 3pm, then 4pm, mamaya pa may inilabas na from the recovery room. It was escorted by their doctor. Si Emina na yun, she was still unconscious but she looks a bit good na by that time.
Ng papasok na kami sa private room ni Emina, hinarang naman kami ng nurse in charge, “Isa lang pong kapamilya for now ang pwedeng pumasok” sabi ng nurse, and so dahil alam naman na ni Aling Saling ang medical history ng aking kaibigan, hinayaan ko na sya ang makigpag usap sa doctor.
Naiwan kami ni Paolo sa labas, it was about 5pm ng may natanggap siyang text. I saw him wipe off his eyes, siguro napuwing siya or what, tinanong ko siya kung tungkol saan yung text sa kanya, he just told me na it was just a quote from a friend.
After some minutes, pinapasok na rin kami ng nurse in charge. Emina was still lying down, but now she’s conscious but she’s looking tired. Tinabihan ko kagad siya. At nagsimula na ako sa kakahagulgol, “I told you not to stress out yourself…” Alam kong gusto niyang sumagot pero nakikita kong pata na ang kanyang katawan at pananalita… Kaya si Aling Saling na ang sunod na boses na aking narinig.
“Dane, nung nagising siya kanina, ikaw kaagad ang hinanap niya. The doctor sedated her so that she could have some enough rest. At ang suggestion nila is mailipat sana sa Manila si Emina dahil mas equipped ang facilities ng mga hospitals doon.” Paliwanag sakin ni Aling Saling.
“How about her condition? How is she?” of course I do need some answers.
Pero walang sumagot sa akin, kahit si Paolo o si Aling Saling man.
The doctors already left so that they could arrange the ambulance that they are going to use on Emina’s transportation going to a hospital in Manila.
Aling Saling rode the ambulance while Paolo and I used my car and we followed the ambulance as a convoy.
Paolo is still blank quiet, but tears were flowing from his eyes.
As for me, I don’t really know kung bakit di pako maiyak, maybe I am still expecting that Emina is still fine were in fact she isn’t. I was still like this hanggang sa umabot kami sa toll gate on our way to Manila.
Binasag ko na ang katahimikan, “Paolo, can you please tell me what the heck is happening to Emina? Feeling ko tuloy may itinatago kayo sa akin…” hindi ko na napigilan na masabi yun…
“Tang-ina Dane… Hanggang ngayon ba hindi mo pa rin maintindihan? Mamatay na si Manang Emina. Ngayon masaya ka na at alam mo na? Iiwan niya na tayo… Magaling na dapat siya noon pa, kung hindi nya kayo nakilala ni Raine, hindi sya madedepress ng ganito, kasalanan nyo ito, kasalanan ko rin to at pinakilala ko kayo, kasalanan nating lahat to! Tayo ang papatay sa kanya!...” out of nowhere Paolo was shouting while crying inside my car, he had gone beserk, much like the same reaction ng mawala sa akin si Raine.
Pak! Sinamapal ko siya para matauhan… Natigil naman ito at hingal na hingal… Medyo wala pa sa sarili.
Naguluhan din ako sa kanyang mga sinabi, somehow kasi parang may kaunting sense ang sinabi niya sa akin. Si Raine nga ba ang dahilan kung bakit siya nagkaganito? Lord please, tulungan mo po ang aming kaibigang si Emina.
~*~
“Dane, I’m sorry…” sabay abot ni Paolo ng kape sa akin.
I was still quiet by that time. Hindi naman ako nananahimik dahil sa mga pangyayari sa kotse kanina. Nag iisip lang ako kung kamusta na ang kalagayan ng kaibigan naming si Emina.
Paolo then continued talking, “I am sorry Dane sa mga nasabi ko… Siguro I am just looking for someone to blame, but in reality wala naman dapat na sisihin… Mangyayari ang dapat mangyari and that’s just it. Nasabi ko lang siguro yun dahil sa bugso ng aking damdamin. Manang Emina is like a mum to me, masaya ako at pinatira niya kami ni tiya Saling sa bahay niya, at tinuring na kapamilya. Kaya hindi ko matanggap ang mga nang yayari ngayon sa kanya.”
Tumatak ang mga binitiwang salita ni Paolo sa akin. Lalo na ang parte kung saan sinabi niya na walang dapat sisihin… For the longest time Dane, sinisi mo ang sarili mo sa pag-kawala ni Raine… We’re in fact nangyari ang dapat mangyari… That I could not find peace within myself because from the very start sinisisi ko ang sarili ko sa pagkawala niya.
“I know Raine would be glad if I’ll make this decision…” I suddenly told myself. “Paolo, thank you for opening my eyes… Come on hanapin natin si Doctor Mariano…”
Paolo was puzzled with what I am actually saying. I have also asked him to call up his mum because we’ll have an urgent meeting with Emina’s personal physician. After quite sometime of consulting the doctor with our concerns, he then gave us the clearance so that we could take Emina home. My friend Emina doesn’t want to further live her last few days inside the blank walls of the hospital. I first suggested that we should be going home in Bulacan, but the doctor told us that having a long trip would not be sustainable on Emina’s part. So I suggested my plan B. I bought a house at Bel-Air Makati a year before the wedding. It was supposedly a gift for Raine, pero hindi na niya naabutan. I still remembered that I have already given him the key to that house, but until our wedding he hasn’t had any idea what the key is for.
It was on the morning of December 29, 2009 when we transferred at my house at Bel-Air. Of course Aling Saling and Paolo went with us and we’ve hired a private nurse so that someone could attend on our friend Emina.
The house that I bought for Raine and I was very flowy and inviting, ayaw ni Raine ng cluttered na place, eventually dinala namin si Emina sa garden which is located at the backyard. It was very green there, lot’s of plants, grass… and adjacent to it was a guest room with glass door panels… The garden was somehow an escape to the city. Emina was just lying at her bed the whole time, while staring at the lush greenery.
Palitan kami ng pagbabantay sa kaniya. Madalas pa nga namin siya kwentuhan… Lalo na ng masasayang oras na kasama namin siya. The first time Paolo and Emina met when he was a child. Kapag namamalengke sila ni Aling Saling. And ako naman nung una ko siyang nakilala at hinanap si Raine sa bahay niya sa Bulacan.
“Naalala ko tuloy yung reaction mo when you first saw me… Ikaw yung pinaint ko ha? Sabi mo sakin pagkakita mo… As if nabuhay yung nasa painting mo… And that’s the first time when I first saw you smile… Ikaw pa nga ang nagbigay ng payong sa akin para sa pag hahanap natin kay Raine…” kwento ko sa kanila. By this time Emina was smiling much like the way she had smiled at me for the very first time. As if she is at peace at walang sakit na iniinda.
Habang kami ay nagkukwentuhan, hindi naman naiwasan na magtanong ni Aling Saling,
“Dane, matagal mo na itong bahay na ito di ba? Hindi mo ba balak itong tirahan?”
Sandali ako natahimik, oo nga Dane, hanggang kailan ka tatakbo sa katotohan,
“Sa totoo lang Aling Saling, matagal ng may nakatira dito, si Raine po…” as I answered her.
“Kuya Dane, wag ka naman magbiro ng ganyan, wag ka naman manakot…” bigla nasabi ni Paolo.
“Nu ka ba Paolo, hindi naman yun ang ibig kong sabihin…” sagot ko sa kaniya, akala niya kasi ay nagmumulto dito si Raine, natawa tuloy kaming apat.
“Sandali lang ha, may kukunin lang ako…” paalam ko sa kanila.
Pumunta lang ako sa master bedroom and after five minutes bumalik na ako sa kwarto ni Emina. As usual my friend was delighted again, I brought the painting the she painted for the both of us,
“Ever since ng mawala siya, dito ko na siya itinira, lahat ng gamit niya… It is one thing na hindi ko nasabi sa kanya, regalo ko sana sa kanya to sa kasal namin…” napangiti lang ako sa kanilang tatlo, while sinabit naman ni Paolo sa pader ang painting ni Emina.
Hindi pa rin siya makapagsalita pero kitang kita mo ang saya sa kanyang mukha, itinaas niya pa ang kanyang mga kamay at pinipilit niyang bumangon para ako ay mayakap, ako na ang lumapit sa aking kaibigan at siya ay aking niyakap. I could feel and hear her heartbeat… She was at bliss.
The day before New Year’s eve, at the breakfast table, I have noticed that Aling Saling and Paolo are still down, I know how they feel… I am also sad, dahil somehow sooner or later alam na namin ang maaring mangyari… Pero kailangan namin maging matatag… I was having coffee and Pandesal at that time ng makita ko na humagod ang hangin sa halamanan sa garden. Ng bigla kong naalala…
“Ang mga orchids ni Emina!” bigla kong nasabi ng malakas.
As if nabuhayan ng loob ang dalawa… We have agreed na sorpresahin ang aming butihin na kaibigan. In no time, after I had my breakfast nagdesisyon nako na tumungo kagad sa Bulacan.
Makalipas ng ilang oras na byahe ay nakarating na rin ako sa bahay ni Emina sa Bulacan, dali-dali akong pumasok sa bahay at kinuha ang aking mga kailangan. Palabas na ako bitbit ang kinuha ko sa loob bahay, na sumambulat sa akin ang mga taong napalapit na sa aming mga puso, ang mga kaibigan naming magsasaka at ang kanilang mga anak.
“Kamusta na si Manang Emina?” tanong ni Aling Marta.
“Nag-aalala kami sa kanyang kalagayan…” dugtong ni Mang Taning.
Mamaya maya pa ay lumapit si Dona at nagsabing, “Kuya Dane, natatakot ako… Natatakot ako na iiwan na tayo ni Manang Emina…” at ayun na sabay sabay na nag iyakan ang mga kabataan at mga kababaihan ng bukirin…
Halos madurog ang puso ko sa aking nakita, hindi ko naman sila mabigyan ng konkretong kasagutan sa kanilang mga tanong, dahil nanatatakot akong mawalan sila ng pag-asa, pag-asang makikita pa nila ang pinakamamahal nilang si Manang Emina.
Mula sa kawalan ay lumapit sa akin si Jose… May inabot ang mumunting bata sa akin… “Kuya Dane, ano man ang mangyari, siguraduhin mong matatanggap yan ni Manang Emina, project yan sa school pinagawa kami ng paper roses. Ibibigay ko sana sa kanya to kaso nabalitaan kong iniluwas siya ng Maynila. Naalala ko pa ang sabi ni Manang sakin, hindi natatapos ang buhay dahil nalalanta ang mga bulaklak, ang ganda nito ay tatatak sa ating mga puso at magiging paalaala na tayoy muling babangon, magpapatuloy, at mangangarap…”
Nabuhayan ang lahat, “Oo nga, mahal natin si Manang Emina… Kaya dapat ay hindi tayo nagdadalamhati sa mga panahon na gaya nito…” ang sabi ni Aling Berta.
At yun na nga ang simula, tumungo nako sa aking sasakyan at tinulungan nila ako sa pag-lalagay ng mga gamit na kinuha ko sa kanyang bahay at sa kanyang bakuran. Kitang kita ko na pursigido ang lahat.
I was about to hit on the wheels, ng magka problema… Ayaw mag start ng kotse ko…
Hindi pa rin kami nawalan ng pag-asa… kahit gabi na ay humanap pa rin kami ng mekaniko na makakatulong sa amin, sa tagal ng pag kakahanap ng mekaniko at ng pyesa, halos ako ay inumaga…
Nagdesisyon na akong magpaalam sa aking mga kaibigan.
Habang tinatahak ko ang daan pabalik ng Maynila, napansin ko ang isang tindahan. Bukas bagong taon na, Anniversary na dapat natin Raine… Bumaba ako sandali para makabili ng gagamitin para sa pag salubong ng bagong taon. Kahit pala madaling araw ang tuloy pa ang pag benta ng mga ito tamang tama sa pagsalabong ng Bagong Taon.
Pag-dating sa bahay, tamang-tama na gising pa pala sina Paolo at Aling Saling, wala akong kabala-balita, my phone’s batteries were exhausted, hindi naman ako nakapagdala ng charger.
Masarap naman daw ang pagkakahimbing ni Emina sa kanyang kwarto, dun na namin sinimulan ang aming plano.
Mga ilang minuto pa ay halos sumulip na si haring araw. Sinilip namin ang aming kaibigan at siyang halos gising na, hindi pa rin siya makapagsalita, pero nakangiti ang kanyang mga mata bagamat siya ay hina pa.
“We’ll have breakfast in the garden…” balita ko sa kanya… Isinakay ko siya sa kanyang wheel chair at ayun tinakpan ang kanyang mata. Ilang minuto pa, tinanggal ko na ang aking mga kamay, “Open your eyes…”
Laking gulat niya, at siya ay maluha luha, napapalibutan siya ng kanyang mga alagang orchids… naging buhay ang buong hardin dahil sa kanyang mga alaga. At sa tabi naman namin ay ang kanyang huling obra… Humagulgol siya sa tuwa, at si Emina ay napayakap, di man siya makapagsalita batid namin ang kanyang kaligayahan. Napayakap din si Paolo at si Aling Saling.
Pagkatapos niyang kumain ng kakarampot na oat meal, ay sinabihan namin siyang magpahinga muna sa kwarto. But instead she decided that she wanted to stay by the garden, kaya pinakuha ko muna yung lounge chair sa sala na kayang umukupa sa dalawang tao at doon siya ay pina upo.
Buong umaga sila mag-kasama ni Paolo, habang si Aling Saling ay tumungo sa palengke. Sinabihan na muna nila akong magpahinga at yun muna ang ginawa ko. Nagpaalam ako sandali kay Emina at ako ay nakatulog.
It was lunch time ng ginising ako ni Aling Saling, “Anak, kain ka muna, sabayan mo na si Paolo… Ako naman ang magbabantay kay Manang Emina.”
Habang kumakain ay kitang kita mo sa mukha ni Paolo na nawala na ang kanyang pag-kabalisa. As if nawala na ang kanyang mga dalahin ng mga nakaraang araw. Hindi man niya ito sabihin, alam ko na he is now coping very fine.
After that sumptuous lunch, tumungo ako sa may sala kung saan tanaw ko sina Aling Saling at Emina. Dala-dala ang isang basong juice, kinuha ko ang isang libro na nakapatong sa mesa, I had Raine’s journal entries printed out at pina bookbind ko pa… I decided to turn into the pages ng umaga ng siya ay nagising mula sa kanyang mataas na lagnat, it was dated…
8th of November 2008
There were birds chirping. That was the first sound that I’ve heard from that very morning. I don’t usually hear birds in the morning because Dane and I are having a condo living. Then there was sunlight that came from the black grilled windows that blinded me. Mukhang nakatulog ako ng mahimbing last night. Wait? Nasaan nga ba ako? Si Dane! Nasaan si Dane?
I immediately got up from the antique bed on which I was lying on.
“Ms. Emina?” I just then realized that I was in one of her guest’s bedroom.
“Are you doing fine now?” she then asked me.
Doing fine? Why? Anu ba ang nangyari last night? I suddenly asked myself wondering on what really happen. I then had a recall of the events when I left Emina’s house. Hmmm… Nandito nga ba si Dane? Bigla akong nalungkot…
“What’s with the sad face? Do you still have a fever?” and Emina checked on my temperature.
I had a fever last night? Maybe I was having delusions last night. Siguro that was when I thought nakasama ko si Dane. But I really felt that it was all real. Him being by my side, kissing him in the rain. Pero reality check hindi ko nga siya nakasama last night.
“How did I get back here Ms. Emina?” I asked her in a very sad tone. I thought sasabihin niya was pinasundo niya ako sa mga kasambahay niya. Instead she answered me some other thing.
“There was this man na naghahanap sayo last night. He was very worried that you might not get home in time because of something. Dali-dali siyang pumunta rito dahil he heard from the news na may dadaan daw na biglang bagyo rito. Siya ang nakakita sayo last night.” Hindi tinumbok ni Ms. Emina ang taong sinasabi niya. Pero makikita mo sa mata niya na kilala niya ito.
Oo nga Raine, masasabi ko nga na kilala nga ako ni Ms. Emina. Kilalang-kilala… Di ko napigilang maluha… Ilang oras pa ang lumipas, nakita kong tumayo si Aling Saling sa kanyang pag-kakaupo…
“Dane nakatulog na siya…” sabay ngiti ni Aling Saling.
It was about 5pm, nilapitan ko na siya at aking tinabihan. Isinandal ko ang kanyang pisngi sa aking balikat, I saw her smile by that time. I intentionally brought my digital camera… And then I took pictures of us…
Then tinignan ko ang mga pictures, she really looks peaceful as well as fulfilled, the whole time I hummed songs
at her, she occasionally responds by caressing my hands. Paminsan minsan ay kinukwentuhan ko siya, then show pictures of her and Raine. Kahit nakita na niya, gusto pa rin niya ulit itong makita, hindi siya nagsasawa. It is like she is saving every inch of memory na pwede niyang maitago sa kanyang puso.
At about seven in the evening, Napansin kong pumasok si Paolo. Naglagay siya ng mga puting kandila with all shapes and sizes sa hardin, karamihan nito ay mga nasa bote.
Pagkatapos nito siya ay lumapit, at bumulong sya akin, at tuluyang lumabas ng bahay.
The mood at the garden shifted, I could see Aling Saling as she looks at the both of us. I could see that she is silently weeping.
Wala naman akong sawa sa kakahimas sa kanya, it was almost eleven na ng gabi ng maramdaman ko na ang kanyang maiinit na pakiramdam ay lumalamig na, ang kanyang mga braso ay sobrang lamig. Pero hindi mo makitaan ang kanyang mukha ng kahit kaunting paghihirap.
Dumaan ang 11:15pm, 11:30pm hanggang 11:45pm ng sinubukang nyang magsalita, animo’y mga kuko ito na kumakayod sa blackboard, “D-aaannee… P—rooomissee, me that you’ll keeeep Raine’s meemoory in your heart, kasi ako saan man ako mapunta, you’ll both be here here in my… heart…” Napayakap ako sa kanya, para na siyang nagyeyelo sa lamig.
And then I answered back, “I promise Emina, I promise…” at hinalikan ko sya sa kanyang forehead.
Makalipas ang ilang minuto ay nakita na namin sa may kalangitan ang napakaraming fireworks, lahat ng ito ay makukulay at buo ng buhay. Pinilit pang tignan ng aking kaibigan ang makukulay na ilaw, bahagyang inianggat niya ang kanyang ulo, ilang segundo lang ay napasandal na siya at napatungo, hindi na niya natapos ang napakagandang palabas sa kalangitan. Pero alam ko na nakita niya ito saan man sya naroon.
Binuhat ko si Emina, hawak pa niya ang paper roses na binigay ko sa kanya mula sa isang bata sa bukid, nadaanan ko pa si Aling Saling na dahan-dahang lumapit sa amin, “mahimbing na siyang natutulog, ilalagay ko lang siya sa kanyang kama…” at napayakap si Aling Saling sa kanyang pinakamamahal na kaibigan, na parang itinuring na rin niyang parang kapatid. Sabay namin siyang dinala sa kanyang silid.
~*~
Lumabas ako ng bahay, nakita kong naka upo sa may kanto si Paolo, katatapos lang ng last set ng fireworks na kanyang pinailaw, sa labas kasi kailangan paputukin yun at medyo mausok.
“Dane, di ko kaya, di ko kayang makita si Manang Emina ng ganun…” Paolo exclaimed, umupo ako sa tabi niya.
Tinapik ko ang kanyang likod at sinabi, “Paolo, nagpapahinga na siya…” at kitang kita ko ang mukha ni Paolo, hindi mo maipinta ang lungkot nito. “mapayapa siyang namaalam…”dugtong ko.
At ayun na, umiyak na ang matipunong binatang si Paolo. Hindi ko siya pinigilan, naiinitindihan ko naman siya, ina rin ang turing ko kay Emina. I do have my own reasons kung bakit di ako maiyak.
Just like Raine, Emina is a happy memory for me…
“Paolo, sana hindi mo ma misinterpret kung bakit ganito ako, nalulungkot ako sa pag-kawala ng isang napakabuting kaibigan, pero isa si Emina sa nag-paalala sakin na ang tao man ay mawala, hindi titigil ang mundo dahil may mga taong nakakalala rito na pinaka iingtan nila sa kanilang puso… And Emina is one memory na hinding-hindi ko malilimutan…” tumayo ako at iniabot ko ang aking kamay sa kanya… “Halika na’t umuwi ng bahay… Hinihintay ka na niya…”
~*~
I later called for a funeral parlor to make arrangements for Emina’s funeral. She specifically told us in her final will that she wanted to be cremated, and her ashes be scattered at her estate in Bulacan, the place where she made friends and of course happy memories.
Sumama kami ni Paolo, Emina was delivered there by the funeral parlor’s ambulance. An hour later sumunod naman sa amin si Aling Saling. The funeral parlor was indeed big, isa yata siya sa mga high end funeral parlors in the city. After signing some papers for her death certificate, we then phoned the people concerned about Ms. Emina. Nalaman na ng mga pinakakamamahal niyang mga kaibigan sa hacienda na wala na ang kanilang pinakamamahal na Manang Emina.
Afterwhich I then contacted my friend priest who also had blessed my shop at Shaw. Nag-paunlak naman siya sa aking imbitasyon.
After an hour dumating na ang pari, nagsimula na siya sa kanyang blessing, and he read a passage from the Bible, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."
John 14:27
Bawat salita sa Bibliya ay tumatak sa amin, hindi mapigilan ang pagluha ni Aling Saling.
And then the priest blessed her with Holy Water. And she was then wrapped with this white linen.
“Sir, if you may excuse us, can we proceed now?” tanung ng attendant sa crematory.
Paolo was about to signal na okay na ng, “gusto ko pa sana makita ang mukha ni Manang Emina for the last time…” ang sabi ko, dahan dahan ko siya nilapitan, tinignan ang kanyang nakangiting mga labi at hinagkan sa kanyang noo, napakalamig na nito.
Hindi pa rin ako maiyak, mamaya pa ay ipinasok na siya sa mainit na pugon, at ilang minuto pa ay narinig na ang pag lagutok ng kanyang mga laman at buto.
Animo’y bawat lagutok nito ay kumukurot sa aking puso na nag sasabi, wala na siya Dane, wala na si Ms. Emina. At ayun na nga, nagsimula na akong lumuha, hindi ko na ito kinaya, ako’y lumabas ng gusali at sa labas nag iiyak.
I seated at a gutter at the building’s façade. Doon lang ako nag mukmok, umiyak ng umiyak, parehas na sakit ang naramdaman ko ng mawala si Raine, ang pagkakaiba nga lang is mas tanggap ko ang nangyari ngayon. Napatinggin ako sa langit nagniningning ang mga bituin. And then suddenly, napatingin ako sa may gate, may lalaking kumakaway ngunit nakatingin siya sa may itaas, he was wearing this glasses, pero tiyak ako na he looks familiar. Pinunasan ko ang mga mata ko at naisip ko na baka ako’y naamamalik mata.
“Raine?” sa totoo lang nanindig ang aking mga balahibo.
The Homophobic Series Book 2-B [I]:
