That a well known doctor to the stars named Anthony Santos was dead because he committed suicide by putting a gun on his mouth. And then a suicide letter was found.
It says:
Kung sino man ang nagbabasa nitong kapamilya ko, humihingingi ako ng tawad sa kahihiyang ginawa ko. Mia, patawad at hindi ako naging totoo sayo, na ako’y naging mapusok at naging hayok sa laman ng aking kapwa kabaro.
Sayo JR patawrin mo sana si Daddy… Hindi ko sinasadyang saktan kita. Patawad kung hindi kita nasasamahan sa basketball practice mo. Mag-aaral ka ng mabuti anak.
Sa’yo bunso, Anna wag aawayin si kuya, lagi ka lang susunod sa kanya. Mahal na mahal ko kayo, kaso kailangan ng umalis ni Daddy. I don’t deserve to have you all, to be your dad, or to be the husband that you expected me to be.
Kasalan bang mag-mahal ng kauri ko? Napakatanga ko, binigay ko na ang lahat sayo Jojo, ito pa ang igaganti mo sa akin, ang lokohin pako… nawala na nga ang pamilya ko, pati ba naman ikaw ay nawala pa sa buhay ko… Gago ka at gago rin ako, pero mahal pa rin kita. Mag kita na lang tayo sa impyerno…
At sa mga taong nasaktan ko, patawarin niyo ako.
And ayon sa report nakakalat pa sa malamig ng bangkay ng doctor ang mga larawan ng nasabing “Jojo” sa suicide letter nito.
I was literally shaking by time, dun ko naalala yung statement ni Miss Emina na, “the love story may end, but the love never ends…”
Lumabas si Dane sa banyo, buti na lang at hindi niya naabutan yung balita na yun.
“Babe are you okay? Why are you shaking?” napansin pala niya na nangangatog ako. Instead na aminin sa kanya ang nangyari ay nagsinungaling na lang ako, ayaw ko na siyang ma-stress out kaya kinimkim ko na lang, kaya sinabi ko na lang na nilalamig ako and I just felt na niyakap niya ako.
December 2008
16th of December 2008
Today is the start of the simbang gabi. I do really wanted to attend the nine consecutive novena masses, kaso hindi pwede sa schedule namin ni Dane. So instead of going to the church, we had made it sure that we would wake up at four in the morning to offer our prayers.
Ang cute cute ni Dane magdasal. He is like a child when he prays. Ano ba yan, parang napansin ko lagi ang pagka child like niya.
17th of December 2008
Today we would be welcoming someone new on our ever growing family in TACTS. Because we are opening a new account that Mr. Archibald had invested on, the company had transferred someone who just came from our offices in Cebu. He was referred by our offices there because he has an excellent track record for being the best supervisor in our Cebu offices for the past two years. He would be the newest operations manager for that said account and his name is Mr. Jake Santillan.
I am the one who had processed his papers when he first came here in Manila, and my Dane later had interviewed him for his final interview. Well it isn’t a final interview na, kasi he is technically hired na. Parang welcome lang yun ni Dane kay Jake in behalf of the company.
It is so happened that he was also now residing in Ortigas and just make a guess kung saan? Jake is now staying with his aunt who happens to be in the same building that Dane and I are living in. What a conincidence right?
Jake was a very timid guy though, I don’t know if he is just being reserve or what. But when I actually first met him para bang bago lang siyang applicant or something, siguro somehow ang picture ko kasi of a manager is someone who has a very bold attitude and personality, parang si Dane? Hehehe…
Well tomorrow would be his first day in the firm. Tomorrow kasi would be the start of the training for the newest batch for this new account, The McPherson technologies who specializes with computer hardware and accessories such as printers, scanners, flat screen monitors and many more. Mga tech support representatives ang mga bago naming employees and Jake would be their newest boss.
18th of December 2008
As always my Dane still looks sleek wearing his suit. Me, I am not used to wearing a coat. I rather go to work with my usual long sleeves and tie. As usual nilaro laro na naman ni Dane ang buhok ko while were in the elevator on our way to the basement parking to get our car.
Medyo nagmamdali kami sa pag alis, but when we were passing in front of our building nakita ko si Jake. He was so divine in the sense that he was wearing this black suit and this very narrow black tie and a white undershirt, in short carry na carry niya ung suot niya.
“Babe, isn’t that Jake? Let’s invite him to join us on our way to the office.” I suggested to him.
Well hindi naman tumutol ang baby ko, natuwa pa nga siya kasi at least makakatulong pa raw kami eh.
“Hey Mr. Santillan, we are now on our way to the office, why not join us?” as my Dane invited him.
“Hmmm… Thank you Mr. Sto. Domingo. But I think I could manage, I’ll just get a taxi…” Jake was a bit hesitant at first.
“Dane na lang and you could just call my hubby here as Raine. Hey, medyo mahirap kumuha ng taxi at this time sa strip na to… Sige ka baka ma-late ka nyan. First day mo pa naman.” Panakot na pagbibiro ng baby ko kay Jake. Mukhang naniwala naman si Mr. Santillan kaya ayun nagmamadaling sumakay at our car’s back seat.
“So fasten your seatbelts!” as Dane reminded us to put ours at ayun humarurot na siya ng pag-drive.
Tahimik si Jake the whole time when he was inside the car. Kabaliktaran namin siya kasi makulit talaga si Dane. Hehehe.
And after a while nakarating na nga kami sa office. Ayun nagkanya kanya na nga kami sa trabaho, well technically hindi naman nagkanya kanya. Dane just went into the office, dami niyang paper works kasi eh. And ako sinamahan ko si Jake for his briefing sa mga bagong employees. If kahapon and kanina napakatahimik niya, now is a different story. Ngayon nagets ko na on why he is well suited with this position. As if ibang tao na ang kaharap ko, he was oozing with charisma. At kitang kita mo na lahat talaga ng tao is nakikinig sa kanya.
Nagkaruon din kami ng time to somehow get acquainted. Naikwento niya na he is living with his tito sa Cebu, but his parents are staying in Ilo-ilo, and pumayag siya na magpalipat into the Manila offices so that magkaroon naman siya ng mas magandang opportunity.
At about lunch time, may mga emergency lunch meeting naman siya with some of the executives and officers. Marami pa kasing dapat ayusin sa account niya. Siyempre kasama si Dane dun. Hindi naman me makakasama kasi just like what I’ve said busy nga sa HR nowadays kaya kahit lunchtime may ginagawa ako. Buti na lang at may pasalubong ako kay Dane from the restaurant that they have went into.
22nd of December 2008
It has been several days ever since Jake came into the company. Kaya we then decided na isabay na lang siya pag pumapasok kami sa work. Parang carpool ba? And almost everyday din ang mga lunch meetings, so ganun ang naging takbo ng buhay namin for the past few days. Well buti na lang at mukhang nagiging at ease na si Jake sa aming dalawa ni Dane at medyo nakikipag-usap na siya.
23rd of December 2008
Dahil sa sobrang busy, medyo late na rin ng makapamili kami ng mga regalo for our love ones for Christmas. Well sobrang hectic talaga, after picking some gifts for Mandy and her husband Allen, and to our cute pamangkin Dominic, at mga gifts para sa iba pa naming mga inaanak and friends, we decided to make separate ways. Kasi ipapa FedEx ko pa yung mga regalo. Si Dane naman was obliged to attend a dinner engagement kasi dumating sa country si Mr. Archibald na kagagaling lang from Hong Kong. Dane was even persuading me to go with him but I decided na mag-pawian na lang. Marami din nagpapadala ano, baka hindi pa makaabot kay little Dominic ang gift namin sa kanya.
Siguro natapos ako sa FedEx at about seven thirty, I just bought a pan pizza at Pizza Hut and I just had a cab pauwi ng bahay. Well dinner lang naman ang pinuntahan ni Dane. What could possibly go wrong right? Uuwi rin yun.
At about quarter to eight, I received a text, it was from Dane.
Babe… I am sorry.
I would be home late,
Nagkaayan mag-inuman eh,
Mr. Archibald wants to celebrate.
We were thinking of going to
Embassy or maybe sa Alchemy…
Sunduin kita diyan gusto mo? xoxo
>>“My baby Domeng”<<
+63905-------
12/22/2008
8:46:14 pm
Medyo pagod na rin ako for today kaya I decided to text him,
Okay lang po baby ko,
Minsan lang naman yan,
Okay lang ba if I would
stay in here na lang sa house…
I am a bit tired na rin po kasi,
ingat ka po sa byahe…
Don’t drink too much okay?
Pasalubong ko ha? Hehehe!
Mwah!
>>mobile# ko to’<<
+63927-------
12/22/2008
8:50:23 pm
And he replied,
Okay po baby ko,
Mwah mwah! “,)
>>“My baby Domeng”<<
+63905-------
12/22/2008
8:55:17 pm
Minsan na lang naman siya lumabas with some acquaintances and colleagues, kaya hinayaan ko muna siya. And besides I do have my full trust and confidence in him when he goes out. Well aside from his driving of course. Hehehe.
24th of December 2008
Hindi ko namalayan, nakatulog pala ako sa sala. Naramdaman ko na lang na may bumubuhat sakin.
“Babe… Anung oras na po? I went asleep pala.” I was actually yawning when I asked him this.
“Two in the morning na po. Sorry po kung na-late nako sa pag-uwi.” As my baby said his apologies.
“Babe naman okay lang po, minsan lang naman di ba? I hope that you enjoy the night? Pasalubong ko?” of course I was just kidding about the pasalubong. And saan naman siya kukuha nun at this time of the night right?
After putting me on our bed, he took this heart shape box from a paper bag. It was a box of gourmet chocolates. Hmmm parang last year lang he also had given me the same chocolate box right? But now I am very sure na para sa akin talaga ang mga ito. And I have given him a kiss. Before going to sleep, I ate like three pieces of it and after that taob ako sa pag-tulog.
~*~
Maganda ang gising ko this morning. Hindi lang dahil sa chocolates last night, it is also because today marks the very day when Dane and I first went out, well not as a couple, but this is the day when we had our first hanging out with each other together. Hindi ko nga alam kung date yun eh, pero swear… Kilig na kilig ako that time.
So the usual routine happened for today. Sumabay si Jake going to the office, pero wala silang lunch meeting with the executives. Mukhang naayos na yata yung mga ilang technicalities with the McPherson account.
On our way to the elevator we just heard someone calling Jake’s name. He also went into the elevator that we are into.
“Hey Jake how are you? Since when ka pa nandito?” this guy just had asked Jake some questions.
“Jill… This is Mr. Dane Sto. Domingo our HR Manager, and Mr. Adrian Rios who is also from the HR…” and Jake just introduced this guy to us.
“Oh good morning Mr. Sto. Domingo… It is a pleasure to meet you for the first time. Good morning to you as well Mr. Rios. I am Jillian Martin Perez from the X-box account…” as he introduced himself to us.
“So you are from the X-box account, are you a pioneer agent there? I think it is about nine months ago ever since we had that account…” my Dane said.
“Yes, I am a pioneer there sir. Actually Mr. Santillan was my supervisor back there in Cebu. It just happen that I just came here in Manila a year ago. I think Mr. Rios is the one who had given me the initial interview.” As Jill explained to us.
“That’s right. I am the one who makes the first interviews…” I told them. After that short chit-chat we had just separated our ways and we just continued our usual work.
~*~
After we had given our gifts to the parents of our god childs in our firm Dane and I had an undertime. Gusto kasi namin umuwi kagad sa house, for preparation for our Noche Buena dinner. Last year nga kasi nasa labas kami eh. At least macelebrate naman namin ito for the first time as a couple. Hindi naman sumabay sa amin si Jake kasi he’ll meet his colleague Jill.
Pag karating pa lang sa house ayun derecho na kami kagad sa kusina. Siguro mga three to four hours kaming dalawa nag luto. I cooked some lasagana, while Dane had prepared some stuffed turkey and some beef and mushroom casserole. He had also prepared some eggnog that night. After mag luto nagulat kami na marami pala ito for two people. Kaya baka ulam na namin yun hanggang Christmas tomorrow.
And then we decided to get online. Sinetup kasi namin yung PC sa harap ng dining table namin. Hehehe… Ganun din sina Mandy. Kaya it felt na parang we were having a dinner in one table. It was about twelve midnight when we had opened our gifts for each other. Dominic was very thrilled with our gift to him, a brand new Nintendo Wii. While we had given a gift to Mandy and Allen courtesy of our friend Emina, a painting of the very cute couple.
And it is now our turn to open our gifts to each other.
Sa umpisa medyo nahihiya pa akong ibigay yung regalo ko. But like the issue that had happen on his birthday na wala na akong maisip na gift for him dahil Dane has almost every material thing na gugustuhin niya. Nag-pakaresourceful na lang ako.
Actually nung first week ko pa ng December naisip yung gift ko sa kanya. Well medyo mahilig kasi ako sa pananahi so why not use my skill para magawan siya ng gift. I remember kasi back then nung high school ako when I am watching one of the Japanese animes, the girls usually gives their boy crushes hand maid stuff toys. Kaya I decided to make him one. Ewan ko ba kung anung topak ang naisip ko. Pero okay na yun, mukha naman excited siya eh. Nag mamadali si Dane na buksan ang gift ko.
“Meow, babe anu to?” bigla niyang natanung, mukhang hindi niya yata nagets yung gift ko. Tama naman siya stuffed pussy nga ung ginawa ko.
“Babe naman eh, stuffed toy yan. Nilagyan ko lang ng buttons ung paa para pwede mo ikabit kahit saan…” paliwanang ko sa kanya.
“Oh it is like a holder pala, kala ko naman kung para saan yung buttons. Hmmm… I would put this on the steering wheel of our car. So that it would always remind me of you. Meow meow! Hehehe…” and he kissed me after saying that.
I was blushing after niya sabihin yun, hehehe. Buti na lang at nagustuhan niya. Now’s my turn to open his gift to me.
Habang tinatanggal ko yung gift wrapper Dane just said, “I do know that you do love collecting statement shirts babe. Kaya nagpacustomize ako for the two of us. Sinama ko dyan yung akin so that you’ll get the message na gusto kong iparating sayo…” na excite din naman ako, imagine matching shirts pa yata.
Before kasi nung naka attend ako ng white party sa Malate, may mga mag-partners who has matching shirts like, Top and Bottom, AC/DC, Romeo and Romeo? Hehehe, imbento ko lang yung last.
And anu naman kaya ang naisip ni Dane for us.
Nauna kong buksan yung package nung kay Dane, individually wrapped kasi to’ and obvious naman na its for him kasi pang malaking built eh. It was an airbrushed shirt na may katawan ni Superman sa harap. Tinignan ko yung likod and it says: “I’m his Superman…” with an arrow pointing to his left side. Medyo kinabahan nako upon reading this. Kaya dali-dali kong binuksan yung akin.
Upon opening it, yung message sa likod kagad ang nakita ko, it says: “and I’m his Lois Lane…” at nung hinarap ko, it was an airbrushed body of a sexy lady with revealing boobs. Oh my God! I was really shocked whe I saw this.
“Do you think that I would actually wear this?” and jokingly I threw back the shirt to him.
“But I thought that you would like it…” and my baby’s face suddenly shifted to a sad one, para siyang si Puss in boots sa Shrek movie.
Iniisip ko rin naman na syempre nag effort siya para makapagisip ng gift na magugustuhan ko. The thing is hindi ko lang siya maisusuot in public. Kaya I took it back from him and I just said my apologies and I told him that I was just kidding. Ewan ko ba naman kasi sa lahat ng maiisip ganun pa ang naisip niya. Hehehe.
Pero somehow that message had pinched my heart, kasi naalala ko the day before his proposal ganyan din yung sinabi niya sa akin when he was drunk driving.
Sige na nga Dane, ikaw na si Superman ako na nga si Lois Lane, sana ginawa mo na lang akong si Superboy? O si Batman man lang? Hehehe… xoxoxo
25th of December 2008
This is just so brief, we had a vacation leave for today, at least this would be the very first time that we would be spending Christmas together, just the two of us in our abode.
Ayaw ko na magbigay ng details kasi aabutin pa ng ilang page ang pinag gagawa namin the whole day. Hehehe. Just to describe it halos maubos namin ang hinanda namin na food yesterday sa sobrang kapaguran. If you know what I mean. Hehehe.
At least now alam ko na kahit kalian hindi na magiging malamig ang Christmas ko now my Dane is part of my life.
~*~
By lunchtime ang dami na palang bumati sa amin ng Merry Christmas. They were also thanking the both of us dahil sa mga gifts na pinadala namin sa kanila. We had received messages from Dane’s family, some collegues sa work, mga school friends, best friends, si Ms. Emina also texted, and tumawag pa nga personally si Mr. Russell sa phone ni Dane para mabati siya personally ng Merry Christmas. Napakasaya talaga ng paskong ito…
At mas masaya si Dane at ayun, naadik na sa kinakain niyang lasagna. Patay na naman siya kay Nice dahil tiyak super workout program ang ibibigay sa kanya after the holidays.
~*~
At about six in the evening someone had came knocking on our doors. Buti na lang we had our last round of making love while taking a bath.
“Merry Christmas!” said the very familiar voice.
“Ei Jake… Merry Christmas din…” said my Dane and we just had let him in.
Kagagaling lang daw niya sa work. Nagdala pa siya ng fruit cake that he just bought from the delicatessen shop from the mall. He decided daw na dumaan sa place namin kasi his tita went to Cebu for Christmas.
“Hey I might be bothering you two?” he said in a modulated voice.
“No… Actually nga we were just thinking of checking you out at your place… Eh naunahan mo lang kami…” sabi ko kay Jake.
Well it has been a while since we ever had a visitor in our place. Actually we don’t usually have visitors here. Kasi we usually meet our friends outside.
Masaya naman yung experience, maraming napag usapan, maraming din nakain, buti na lang at may natira pa kami na food that we could share to Jake.
Merry talaga ang Christmas naming lahat, kaya I wanted to thank God for having good friends, a new family and luvvy dubby Dane… Mwah! Xoxoxo
26th of December 2008
Mukhang naparami yata ako kahapon, well hindi sa making love ha, what I meant by this is about sobrang pagkain ko. Morning shift ko pa lang siguro naka apat na balik na ako sa comfort room. Dumating pa sa point na napansin na to ni Dane, na parang hindi ako mapakali.
“Babe, eto kumuha ako sa clinic ng gamot sa LBM, inumin mo po ha…” and he handed me a glass of water.
Nasundan pa ito ng dalawang beses, and before four in the afternoon siguro nakaisa pako. Mukhang umepekto na yata yung gamot na ibinigay ni Dane sa akin. Buti na lang at hindi masyado puntahin ng tao yung sa CR na to at tiyak talk of the town ako kinabukasan. Maya-maya pa ay may mga pumasok sa comfort room. Medyo kilala ko kasi yung boses nung isang tao na mukhang familiar pa sa pandinig ko.
“Oh Jake kamusta na kayo ng Dane mo?” si Jill pala un, at kasama niya si Jake. And Dane? Is he referring to my Dane?
“Uy anu ka ba, baka may makarinig sayo…” saway ni Jake sa kanyang kaibigan.
“Wala yan, malay ba nila kung sinong Dane yun? Malay din ba nila na he’s our HR manager…” pang aasar pa nito.
“Gago ka, Dane and I are just friends… and we are in the same company right? And besides, may partner na kaya yun…” paliwanag ni Jake.
“That’s my point… Eh di ba yung jowa niya dito rin nag wowork, and for a fact that they are just in one department? So I don’t see any problem na maging kayo rin in the future right? And besides, hindi naman sila kasal anu? Kaya you’ll always have a chance… Di ba madalas pa nga kayo mag lunch… E di ba parang date na yun…” sulsol pa ni Jill kay Jake.
“Hey purely business yun anu… We are with some execs and officers… Kaya you couldn’t consider that as a date…” Jake said defensively.
“Ahh kaya pala sabi mo sakin last time nung nagkwentuhan tayo, na nagkukwentuhan pa kayo for some time kahit tapos na ang meeting nyo…” dugtong naman ni Jill.
“Anu? kwentuhan lang yun… Wag mo lagyan ng kulay…” tensely Jake said.
“Ayy ewan ko sayo… Pero ito ang tanung. May gusto ka ba sa kanya?” out of nowhere Jill just asked him this question.
“Ahhh… Ehhh…” hindi makasagot si Jake sa tanung ni Jill.
“Oh bakit hindi ka makasagot… At nag-bablush ka pa dyan…” pansin ng kaibigan niya.
“Eh kasi naman kung anu anu naman yang pinagtatanong mo eh. Okay okay, eh anu naman kung may gusto ako sa kanya. Masama ba yun?” matapang na sinabi ni Jake.
“E di umamin ka din. Wala naman masama dun. Love conquers all ika nga nila. I hope maconquer mo siya…” sabay tawa ng hitad.
“Gago ka talaga Jill. Pero ewan ko ba kung bakit nagkagusto ako sa kanya. On the very day na nakilala ko siya, he seems very nice kasi. Mas nakilala ko pa siya with the lunch meetings, pati na rin ung pagsabay ko sa kanilang dalawa on our way to work, ang sweet niya kasi sa partner niya eh, enjoy pa siyang kasama, he is someone that I won’t get tired talking to. Ang nakakatuwa pa dito is we do also share the same interest. May background din kasi ako sa photography kaya somehow may napaguusapan kami…” by this time Jake’s voice became sweet sounding.
“Ahh sweet mo naman bakla… Eh what about yung night out nyo last time. Naka first base ka man lang ba? Hehehe…” humahagikgik na tawa ni Jill.
“Anu ba yan pinag-sasabi mo? First base ka dyan, wala anu, sa totoo lang wala akong maalala masyado. I was just drunk by that time, pero naalala kong tumigil pa ung kotse niya sandali somewhere. And nun umuwi na kami, I was not even sure kung what time na ko nakarating ng bahay. Siguro mga twelve or one in the morning, I am not that sure. Alam ko nga hinatid pa ako ni Dane hanggang unit ko eh” As Jake had a mind recall.
“Ako na ang masasabi sayo sis. Unconcious ka lang pero tiyak nakafirst base ka…” tumitiling sigaw ni Jill.
Sa sobrang inis ko, even if I am not yet done with the toilet, I just flushed it out immediately and bang the door when I went outside the cubicle. And for some seconds, I ferociously stared at them.
And I think both of them were shocked upon seeing me.
And I just went out of that room in just a snap, because I also snapped. Imagine pagkaisahan ba ako ni Jake and Jill, rhyme na rhyme pa ang pangalan oh… Mag-sama sama silang tatlo nina Dane.
Somehow sinubukan ko rin pakalmahin ang sarili ko at paniwalain na hindi ko yun lahat narinig. Pero masisi mo ba ako kung madumi ang isip ko. Hindi naman ako tanga and definitely hindi gago.
Hindi nako nagpaalam pa kung kanino. Ang gusto ko lang gawin ay umalis sa impyernong lugar na yun.
Pero san ka naman pupunta Raine? Lahat ng gamit mo nasa bahay nyo ni Dane. Ah este bahay pala niya. Tang-ina niya, imagine he stabbed me by my back.
Then I just realized na bakante na nga pala ulit ang condo unit ko sa Manila. Natapos na kasi ang kontrata nung umuupa sakin for the past months, and she’s migrating na sa Australia. Kahapon lang niya ako minessage about that, buti at hindi ko nasabi kay Dane. Kaya dun na ako umuwi.
I rode a cab on my way there. Sa taxi pa lang iyak na ako ng iyak, buti na lang mabait si manong binigyan ako ng tissue.
Pag dating ko sa condo unit ko, I thought mas makakalma ako, kaso it went into the opposite direction. Every inch of my unit just reminds me of him. Mas lalo pa akong nag-iiiyak.
At about five in the afternoon, I’ve heard my phone ringing. It was him, ayaw ko sagutin. I don’t want to hear anything about him at this moment. Gusto kong mapag isa. Kaya I hang up the mobile at tinanggal ko ang sim. And for the whole night iyak lang ako ng iyak. Until my tears had gone dry, and I just went asleep.
27th of December 2008
Nakatulog ako sa sofa. Gusto ko ulit umiyak pero wala ng lumalabas. Pagod na pagod na ako.
Pero napaparanoid pa rin ako, the whole day ang iniisip ko lang was twelve to one in the morning? Eh two in the morning na siya nakauwi? It doesn’t make any sense. Isang bagay lang ang senseful na paliwanag rito at galing pa to sa napakarumi kong utak.
I decided to walk into a convenience store to buy a new sim. Kailangan ko ng kausap kaya tinext brigade ko ang mga friends ko, and I warned them that kung gusto nyo pa akong maging kaibigan you won’t tell to that guy kung nasaan ako now.
And besides it’s a Satuday night it’s gimmick night, gusto kong makalimot, tamang tama kasama ko lahat ng friends ko. I just told them na ayaw ko munang pag-usapan ang kahit ano about the two of us. I just danced and danced, we went into a straight bar, para wala siyang hint kung nasaan man ako. Nagpakalunod ako sa alak the whole night.
28th of December 2008
Well technically weekend pa rin naman ang Sunday, buti na lang at off ni Lucky ngayon. At pwede kami gumimik tonight, kung kahapon Tats and Elijah were here ngayon si Lucky lang nahagilap ko, may hinahabol daw si Tats for his event tonight. And si Elijah may shift pa sa hospital.
“Bakit kasi hindi mo siya kausapin. Lahat naman eh nadadaan sa paliwanag di ba?” as my friend Lucky advised me.
“Madaling sabihin yan Lucky. Bakit? If you are in my place? Do you think you could handle the truth?” weird reasoning pero yun lang talaga nasa isip ko. Tuloy lang ako sa pag tungga sa beer.
“Eh panu nga kung baluktot yung truth na alam mo? You know this is also hard for me dahil friend kita and somehow kaibigan ko na rin si Dane. Kung alam mo lang kung paano kita pagtakpan sa kanya, pero naaawa ako sayo and kay Dane…” paliwanag sa kin ni Lucky.
Tuloy pa rin ako sa pag inom. “Bakit naawa ba sila nung ginawa nila sa akin yun?” by this time medyo hilo nako. I don’t even know if I am still making any sense.
“Bakit? Ano ba ginawa nila sayo? You are not even there? May nakita ka bang ginawa nila? Wala naman yata right? So mag-isip isip ka man lang ano…” Lucky my best friend told me.
“Well just like what you have told me before, di ba dapat alam ko how the real gay and bi scene works? Eto na yun, nangyayari na sa akin yung sinabi mo…” by this time galit na akong umiiyak.
“Ui friend, wag ka naman umiyak ng ganyan. And wag mo naman ibahin ung usapan. Yes nasabi ko nga yun before. Pero my perspective just change nung mas nakilala ko kayong dalawa ni Dane. Kayong dalawa ang living proof na somehow hindi lang sa fairytales pwede mangyari ang isang successful relationship between two men… Kaya come on friend please come into your senses…” pakiusap ni Lucky sa akin.
“You are just being delusional. Alam mo friend paano magiging fairytale to, eh I am living a nightmare… Gusto mo si Dane? Sige sayo na siya…” praning na praning na nga siguro ako para masabi yun.
“Ayy Raine… Don’t be so stupid…” Lucky told me.
“Stupid na kung stupid… Sige sasayaw lang muna ako ha… Bahala ka muna dyan and just stick with your day dreaming…” I told Lucky.
Buti na lang maasahan ko ang best friend ko na to. Inspite of the things na nasabi ko sa kanya, hinatid niya pa rin ako pauwi. And his loyalty stayed with me, he didn’t spoke of any word to Dane about our night outs at kung nasaan man ako now.
29th of December 2008
I was just sleeping all day and night. Pag gising ko naman ayun iyak na lang ang pinag gagawa ko. Eh bakit nga ba umiiyak ka? Ayy… Tanga tanga mo talaga, bakit ka naman nag iiyak? Buti na lang at nagtext si Elijah later that afternoon. Wala daw siyang duty that night kaya gusto man lang niya magkipag hang out.
Medyo stressed daw kasi siya sa work niya. Hindi naman ako tumanggi, I do also want to unwhine kasi, inom na naman para makalimot sa lahat.
We just went into this resto bar. Ayaw muna daw kasi ni Elijah ng maingay, he just wants some peace of mind muna. Well I do not know if I could give him this peace of mind na gusto niya kasi kahit utak ko magulo.
Medyo emotionally stressed din kasi itong friend ko na to, imagine he is pursuing a career na hindi naman niya ginusto and just lately niloko pa siya ng isang guy na halos ibinigay niya na ang lahat. Nakinig muna ako sa kanya. Habang tuloy naman ako sa pag inom.
“Eric was my everything… I even make it sure na magkakawork siya. Hindi naman sa isinusumbat ko sa kanya ang ginawa ko. Pero wala naman akong ginawa sa kanyang masama. And then malalaman ko na lang from some other guy na boyfriend niya daw yun. After that nawala na siya hindi na siya nagparamdam sa akin kahit kalian…” umiyak siya, napaiyak na naman ako. Anu ba naman to, sa bar pa kami nag iiiyak.
Tinanong ko tuloy ang sarili ko, ano nga ba ako kay Dane? Hinahanap niya kaya ako? After all that had happen ba hinahanap nga ba niya ako? Puro ka tanong ngayon Raine, eh you didn’t even gave him a chance to tell you his side.
30th of December 2008
After that very emotional night with Elijah, si Tats naman ang nakasama ko this Tuesday night. Tapos na raw ung event na inattendan niya yesterday kaya gusto naman niya lumabas. Lahat na lang yata kami ganito ang ginagawa para lang mawala ang mga stresses sa buhay.
“Hey friend ayusin mo na kasi ung sa inyo ni Dane. Buti nga sayo maayos pa, eh sa akin ang gulo gulo kasi ang dami-dami. Mabuti pa nung mataba pa ako, hindi ganito kagulo ang buhay ko?” at sinimulan na ni Tats ang pag sermon.
“Bakit? Sa tingin mo ba maayos ang sa akin?” balik kong tanong sa kanya.
“Maayos yan, if you’ll just open your mind…” Tats said in return.
“Open my mind? Eh wala ka ngang clue kung hinahanap man lang ako ng mokong na yun…” sagot ko sa kanya, as usual habang umiinom.
“Alam mo friend, hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sayo… Lucky was consulting me about your problem with Dane. Sa totoo lang matagal ka ng hinahanap ng partner mo. Hindi lang alam ni Lucky kung saan lulugar. Kung sasabihin niya ba sayo na hinahanap ka niya at kung sasabihin niya kay Dane ang totoo, kung nasaan ka… Syempre our loyalty is with you, pero sa ginagawa mo mas sinasaktan mo pa ang sarili mo, don’t be stubborn na kasi… Just make up with him. Maayos niyo rin yan friend, uyy nakikinig ka ba?” and tinapik niya ako nakatulala na kasi ako sa kalasingan.
“Huh? Ako pa ang stubborn ngayon? Okay fine, I may be stubborn but I am not stupid. Alam mo bang gusto ko rin gawin kung ano man ang iniisip kong ginawa nila. But everytime I am approaching a guy nanghihina ako… I don’t even have the courage na gaguhin ko rin ang sarili ko…” and then there were this two guys who approached us. Gusto yata makipagkilala.
“Back off!” natabig ko yata sila at nagtatakbo ako palabas ng bar. Narinig ko pang tinatawag ako ni Tats. But I didn’t turn myself back. Nahihiya na ako sa kanila dahil kahit mga kaibigan ko nadadamay na yata sa kabaliwan ko.
Umiikot na ang paningin ko. Nasa gitna na ko ng daanan ng bar strip ng Malate. Ewan ko ba sa lahat ng makikita ko. Dun pa natutok ang attention ko.
What the fuck! Mag kasama si Jake and Dane. Kitang kita ng dalawang mata ko. Taob na si Dane sa alak. Mamaya maya pa mukhang natanaw yata ako ni Jake from the bar’s window, at sabay tayo naman nito.
Dali dali naman akong tumalikod at mabilis na naglakad palayo. Nanginginig ako sa galit. Bakit ka nga ba nagagalit? Raine umayos ka nga gisingin mo ang utak mo. Ng maramdaman ko na lang bigla na may tumapik sa balikat ko. Napako lang ako sa pagkakatayo. Narinig kong tinawag ang pangalan ko ng lalaking kanina lang ay nakakita sa akin na papalayo.
“Raine, come on let’s talk…” Jake pleaded.
“Bull shit… Get off me… Wala tayong dapat pag usapan…” inis kong sinabi sa kanya.
“Meron, this was all a misunderstanding…” paliwanag ni Jake.
“Misunderstanding? Tama ba na ipinamukha nyo sa akin na mas bagay kayo. Bagay kayo sa lahat, sa trabaho, sa interest… Everything… So what’s to explain? Anu ang misunderstanding dun…” hinarap ko siya as I reason out to him.
“Do you even hear yourself? Wala kaming gustong ipamukha sayo. And definitely wala lalong gustong ipamukha sayo si Dane… Sa totoo lang ilang beses ka niyang hinanap for the past few days, we have been to bars, hotels, muntik ka pa namin hanapin sa probinsya, God knows kung ano pa ang gagawin ni Dane para mahanap ka lang niya…” tuloy pa sa pagpapaliwanag si Jake.
“Walang gustong ipamukha ha? Kaya pala… That is why pinatos ka rin niya.” And then I smirked when I told that to Jake.
Upon saying that to him, Jake had reached his boiling point. He slapped me in the middle of the streets of Malate. Maraming napatingin sa ginawa niya.
“Kung may insecurities ka huwag mong idadamay si Dane rito. Kung alam mo lang ang ginawa niya para hindi mo maramdaman ang mga bagay na yan. At least huwag ka man lang sana maging unfair sa kanya. Hindi mo alam ang sinasabi mo, nasaan na ba ang Raine na nakilala ko. Ang Raine na para kay Dane? Oo, hindi ko itatanggi, nag kagusto ako sa kanya. Pero mali ba yun? And I even told him that. Alam mo ba ang isinagot niya? Mahal ka niya Raine, mahal ka niya, at nangako siya na kahit kailan hindi siya gagawa ng isang bagay na ikasasakit mo… So sino nga ba ang nagkamali? Ako nga ba? Si Dane ba o ikaw? Na hindi nag iisip kung nasasaktan mo na ang taong pinakamamahal mo? Alam kong wala ako sa posisyon para pagsabihan kayo dahil we barely know each other. But the past few days, napakabilis. Pinabilib niyo ako. It had gave me new hope that there is still a chance for me to experience that thing called love. Raine, I had been through a lot too you know, kaya madalas kami mag usap ni Dane kasi I wen’t into a very turmoilous relationship and somehow I just saw a friend in him. That is why umalis ako ng Cebu. Nagpakalayo layo ako, I was full of life back then, pero everything just went crumbling for me, I thought kung isusubsob ko sa work ang sarili ko mawawala rin ang lahat. Pero hindi, nandun pa rin ang sakit. That is why I was very thankful ng makilala ko kayong dalawa ni Dane. Mabait lang talaga si Dane, and I also find goodness in you. Kaya hindi ko rin maintindihan on what made you think na kaya niyang gawin yun, kung ano man ang iniisip mo. You are very fortunate for having him and it is unfair for you to judge him just like that… You are so unfair, unfair ka Raine… Unfair!...” by this time tears were also now rolling on Jake’s eyes while he shook my body using his hands.
Every spec of memory with Dane just flashed all over me. Somehow Jake really had make sense, unfair ka nga Raine… Unfair ka… By this time I was all drained, everything is all coming back to me now. On where it all started, the ups the downs, and pains and our glory, he even had opposed his dad maipaglaban niya lang ako. Then eto pa ang isusukli ko sa kanya.
I was like a madman after realizing all of this mess that I have done, I pushed Jake back and nagtatakbo ako paalis. He tried to stop me pero sinalag ko siya, nakita ko pa siyang bumalik sa bar para tawagin si Dane kaya dali dali akong pumara ng Taxi.
Sa elevator papunta sa unit ko pinagsusuntok ko ang mga pader nito sa galit ko sa sarili ko. Nilalamig ako, I really felt guilty with all that I’ve done, paglabas ko ng elevator napa upo lang ako sa hallway at niyakap ko lang ang sarili ko. Gago ka talaga Raine gago ka ikaw na yata nag pinakagagong tao sa buong mundo. Pag pasok ko ng unit ko nagsisigaw na lang ako. Hanggang sa mamaos nako at mawalan na ako ng boses.
31st of December 2008
It was the day before the New Year, and it is also the day before our anniversary. The skies were all blue that day, tulala lang ako by the window of my condo unit. I could see the horizon from the Manila Bay.
It all made sense now. Siguro kailangan ko lang bigyan ng konting space ang sarili ko, so that I could find myself. I just realized that Dane had made me feel complete, pero hindi ko pa pala kilala ang sarili ko, that I do need some soul searching. Yes Raine, tama si Jake, you do still have some insecurities, hindi sa relasyon mo kung hindi sa sarili mo. At least now malinaw na sayo ang lahat Raine. Na ikaw ang nagkamali and somehow I do owe Dane an explanation, he doesn’t need some explaining kasi alam mong wala naman siyang ginawa sayo. Kaya Raine kumilos ka na…
I went into Ortigas that afternoon, sa halip na pumunta sa office I just decided to just go inside our abode. Using my key dahan dahan akong pumasok sa unit namin. I called for Dane’s name, kaso walang sumasagot. Siguro hinahanap pa rin niya ako. Nag ikot ikot ako sa condo, it was a total chaos, towels were all over our bathroom, there is an open bottle of brandy inside our tub. Magulo ang living area, the kitchen was so stinky with his vomit from days ago, nagkalat pa rin ang bote ng alak sa bahay, naiwan niya pang bukas ang refrigerator. It was a mess, pagpasok ko sa kwarto mas magulo. Makikita mo ang natuyong vomit sa carpet and there are crumpled papers all over. And across our room I could see our walk in closet, it was a total wreck. Hanggang sa kama nagkalat ang mga damit, pinulot ko ang mga ito para man lang maiayos, ng makita ko sa kama yung mga pictures namin. Naluha ako upon seeing that. I just imagine how tortured Dane is sa mga ginawa ko. And then pinulot ko ang isa sa mga papel na nakakalat. May nakasulat rito, kaya binasa ko.
“Babe… Sorry na… Please kailangan kita, I can’t live without you…” said the first letter.
“Hindi ko kaya ang mag-isa babe… Anu ba ang dapat kong gawin so that I could have you again in my life…” pag pulot ko sa pangalawa.
“I was a jerk, Oh my God… Please come back to me… I am nothing without you babe…” the third one said.
And then there was a fourth, a fifth, a sixth until dumating na yata eightytieth… basta ang dami, nalulula ako sa sakit that I have caused him…
His message was clear, I know that he wanted me back.
And I also wanted him back in my life too, kaya dali-dali kong ikinabit yung dating simcard ko. Text message lang ni Dane that day umabot ng almost a hundred. So I decided to make him a call. Wala pa ako sa second ring sinagot na niya kagad yung phone.
“Babe… Nasaan ka na po? Please answer me… Ano na po ang nangyari sayo? Please tell me!” his voice was a bit coarse, I know that he was shaking and crying at the same time.
“I’m sorry babe… I am doing fine now, later tonight I’ll tell you kung nasaan ako. Kaya please wag ka na po mag-isip. I desperately wanted to see you… Just give me sometime lang po, okay lang po ba?” I was thinking of something for tonight.
Somehow my babe understood on what I just said. That’s the good thing about him, he could easily understand me. Alam kong may mga ibang bagay na may pagkaisip bata siya, pero there are also things in him that I like because I do think that it is somehow a mature trait of his.
Nilinis ko muna yung unit namin before going back in my unit in Manila, and then I just left him a short letter and inilagay ko sa end table namin. I also had framed the best picture of ours that was taken at the masquerade ball. Doon ko itinabi ung letter.
I left our house at about six thirty in the evening and decided to went straight in my unit at Manila.
Buti at hindi niya ako inabutan that night. At seven kasi he texted me and had thanked me for visiting our house.
Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven in the evening. It was a total darkness inside my unit, the only light came from my condo window, I just sat on the shagged carpet at the back of my sofa while observing the people outside who were celebrating the New Year’s Eve. I didn’t lock my apartment door. I instructed him to be here at least thirty minutes before midnight.
Tinignan ko yung digital wrist watch ko, it is already eleven twenty in the evening. My front door opened… I’ve heard footsteps, napatungo lang ako. I am just longing for his voice. And then I just heard it again, that voice that had make my heart pumped all over again.
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